A Step Forward

31 December, 2013

As I begin to pen this yearly review, I'm not quite sure what it should contain. In fact, I almost didn't write this one. I felt that I had nothing new to say. For 2013 was a slightly strange year that has left me confused. But then, much like some of the instinctive steps that I took in the uncaring blind, I have to write on. I have to go along with the flow of my heart. The writer in me doesn't allow me to stop.

Despite the fact that my (bad) luck remained largely unchanged through the year, a wave of optimism has swept through me. I don't know where it came from. I don't recognize the winds that brought it to me. Perhaps it has its roots in the knowledge that my time must come. Perhaps it emanates from the wonderful people around me. Whatever the genesis, I'm glad. Years of pessimism, phew! I had grown tired of it all. It might just be the year that woke me up.

At work, the year was split into two equal halves. The first half, the culmination of an immensely enjoyable stint at Amazon, was hard to say the least. But it was hard in a good way. To bid goodbye to my team, to the people I worked with, to the people who contributed so much to my growth was equally tough. But then, you have to keep walking. The second half, almost a throw back to my pre-Amazon work days in a startup, was more than exciting. The path is still far from clear, but that's part of the fun I guess.

On the personal front, a lot happened. Much as I want to, I cannot say that all of it was happy. I shall let it pass for now...

Outside of personal boundaries, much of what transpired in the country has been encouraging. Not least was the rise of the Aam Aadmi Party in New Delhi. Much as we want to debate and critique them, this is not the time for that. This is the time to give them space to perform. Whatever happens, they have shown that - given the will - one can make a difference.

On a lighter note, among one of the more silly things that I did this year was to watch a movie in the theatres every (yes, each and every) week - every Friday to be precise! It was difficult to keep at it every week, more so during those days when there wasn't any good movie on show. But then for a person who is fond of story telling, it was a good thing as I ended up viewing (some excellent) films that I otherwise may not have seen. (For those who are thinking whether I was jobless enough to make a list of the movies I saw: I did!)

Grand plans and surreal dreams line up in the depths of my heart and mind. Every day, every minute that I have thrown away by not pursuing those dreams is a lost opportunity. But the shift in momentum is palpable. I can see the beginnings of something golden. And as I pause to think of that, I get a feeling that perhaps this is where my optimism stems from.

2013 was a step forward in many ways. A step forward in the direction of my dreams, a step with hope, a  step away from the shores of comfort. Not everything went my way, many things didn't. But it is inevitable to lose a few battles in the quest for your dreams. Bigger battles are waiting to be won.

And so I go on, one step at a time. 2013 was a step forward. Yet I know that it was just a step; I have miles to go. 2014 is the year when it will all come together, I'm sure!

And yes, my next book is nearly complete, and should be on it's way to publication very soon. I know that you can't wait to read it!

In the Rain Again

It was a placid, dreamy day. The charming weather, the chilling atmosphere, and the lurking rain, all underlined the poetic dreaminess of that enchanting afternoon. There was a silent harmony, a colorful vibrance and a certain grandness to it. It was dark, yet somehow it was bright and prismatic. The rich and myriad hues all around further deepened the radiance of the exotic day. Under a tree sat a solitary soul, relishing the picturesque, idyllic scene; trying to summon up a few words.

Then came the long anticipated drops of rain, that further enhanced the magic of that afternoon, almost elevating it to fairy-tale like. First lightly, then heavily, the rain came down like a passionate outburst, quenching the thirst of the parched earth and a parched soul.

And, it was almost as if nature had woken up. The lush green grass was back, the trees seemed rejuvenated, there were infinite pools of water and the atmosphere all around was sparkling. The splashing of water on the ground reminded me of the chaos inside, a sort of blissful, almost welcome chaos.

I still tried to put the artistic scene and my racing thoughts into words. I could have written a thousand verses that day, and yet failed to capture the sublime and exquisite story that it told. There was a beauty, a charming touch to that rainy afternoon, that can perhaps never be expressed in words - and I have never used plain 'words' to express my innermost thoughts. One had to be there to feel it. There was a flow even in stillness, and a pause even in the flow.

The sweet lure of cold rain on an enchanting afternoon! It was an invitation I could not resist. I went and stood in the rain, barefoot, and bare soul. And, I almost thought that it completely wiped out the tears inside me. I hoped it could wash away all the ego, all the anger, all the sorrow and any traces of hatred; so that something more important and wonderful can take its place.

Then, I ran around like someone celebrating a big achievement. I was filled with a mystic, deep joy, that seemed to  quench the unquenchable. There had been many a day like that. Yet, that rainy day seemed truly spectacular, somewhat special; just because I had made it so. My heart seemed to beat faster, yet it must have skipped many a beat.

My eyes searched around for a rainbow, almost revealing the inner quest for colors and hope. I could not quite find one in the sky. But, that afternoon, amidst the rain, amidst the inner chaos, I found a rainbow, where I had almost forgotten to search. I was eternally looking for signs of hope in the external world, but that day I found hope inside me. Of course, the external world, the scintillating atmosphere around, the rain and the wind had played their part in helping me discover it.

I was touched, simply mesmerized by the sheer magic of that electric day. The cool, unrelenting gush of wind; the long endless spaces of  green, the sweet smell of rain, the steady rush of inner emotion. It was bewitching, soothing, almost unnatural, yet so natural. It touched something that had never been touched before.

I gave up thoughts of writing, and just let myself free. My eyes gazed away at the splendid scene all around, my ears listened for unheard words, my body enjoyed the biting cold, my feet, almost numb, still felt the fresh water on the ground and my soul just reverberated with an unknown joy, still punctuated by hints of woe.

And, I don't know why, I was reminded of the first drops of long ago. That moment was magnificent, glorious and almost timeless. And I felt that whatever happened in my life from then on, it did not matter, for in that one lasting moment I had lived a lifetime.

And I continued to stand there, the unending rain drenching me completely, even from the inside.

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2012: An Alternate View

I must admit that I've had a negative mindset over the past few years. It hasn't been without reason, I know. And I've never quite been able to turn the tables on that.  That's how I felt predominantly through 2012 too, and that's how I began 2013 as well. Yet somehow, in a moment of sudden realization, triggered by a friend who pinged me and said "replace okay and not great with excellent", a flash of positivism has taken over me. And to be clear, nothing great or magical happened in the real, physical world, to switch on the optimistic side of me.

It may sound bizarre, maybe even akin to madness, in a way. And I think it is. But when I think of the past year and keep aside the low points, I can see, much more clearly, how it was indeed an excellent year. I can see how the graph of the year grew slowly and steadily, rising to greater heights as time went on. That brings me to the point: is everything, every feeling, every situation just a mental thing? Is everything in this wide wide world, only in the mind?

When I look at it that way, I do recognize that maybe - just maybe - I have been overplaying the melancholy bit.  I do recognize that I've given undue importance to the demons that came my way. I don't know when that began to happen. I don't know when that line from optimism to pessimism was crossed, and without a heart to stop it, it went on in the wrong direction. But whenever and however that happened, it only takes a moment of fortitude, a moment of faith, to reverse it. It only takes a push in the positive direction to get back to the other side of the line.

What gives me immense satisfaction, is the knowledge that I gave everything that I had. I put my heart and soul into every endeavour. I did what I love to do. And that is all we can do in life. When the waves of the ocean of life come rushing, sometimes even threatening to drown us, we have to ride them, with gusto and a renewed sense of strength. When the devils of life threaten to fill us with negativity, we have to slash them with the sword of delight and wonder and enthusiasm.

The hard part though, is to sustain the flow of optimism. The hard part is to stop the negative emotions in their tracks. The hard part is to recognize that we are greater and stronger than them. But once we do that, once we go the core of our being and turn it around inside ourselves, the world is - lo and behold - a beautiful place again. And with that in mind, when I revisit the past year,  I can see how the colours and sunshine clearly outshone the shadows. I can see how one bad phase could not dull the brightness of an otherwise fantastic year.

With the hope that this realization has brought, I go on, happy, excited, and ever more optimistic about the years to come. There is no doubt, even faintly, that 2013 will be an outstanding, excellent, and mind blowing year. There is no doubt that it will fan the tiny sparks within me into the flames of achievement, success and unthinkable joy. There is no doubt that it will be the beginning of greater things. And I hope and pray that it will be the same for every soul in this world. I hope and pray, and now know, that 2013 will be a truly happy year for the world! Happy New Year 2013!

A fascinating new low

December 31, 2012

I'll have to state this right at the beginning: 2012 was, without any doubt whatsoever, by far the most fascinating year of my life. Hands down, it beat every other year. That does not mean, even remotely, that it was a year of joy and happiness. It wasn't, not even by any stretch of distant imagination. The flag rose many a time, and fluttered proudly too, only to be hit by sudden, totally incomprehensible, storms that brought a kind of misery that I've come to know far too closely. But the year was colorful to say the least, and the various hues that spread themselves out on the canvas of my life, made it vivid and memorable.

When you get to a really low point in life, you wonder if there can possibly be something even lower. As the sun sets on another year that saw significant ups and even more significant downs, those thoughts cloud my mind. I had hoped and wished at the end of last year (2011) that there were no more depths, that the graph of my life couldn't drop further. Needless to say, those wishes of mine were left unfulfilled. The start to the year was relatively silent, though there were traces of winds that promised to bring some things of note. And they did come, those phases of high, that made the year somewhat bearable.

Yet, there was something sad about the year that's almost inexplicable. It's not hard to put a finger on what went wrong; that's almost straight forward. But the meaning underlying those shadows that swept across the year, bringing flashes of tremendous low, escapes me. In the past, through every one of the endless stretches of darkness, there was some kind of hidden meaning, and most certainly valuable lessons.  But none of the trenches made sense this year. I doubt there was anything to take away from them, save the knowledge that life can dip to newer and newer lows every year.

I did make some strides in the direction of my dreams. Publishing my first book 'Rainy Days' was a hugely satisfying experience, and it renewed my hopes of an interesting, 'story-filled' life ahead. It, even if ever so briefly, created a crest of unexpected high.   It was also an immensely compelling, challenging, and demanding year at work - the most riveting phase of my professional life. And it made up in a very small way - as much as that aspect of life can - for the underlying sorrow that forever lingered around and never let go.

It was, literally, a year of wildly swinging fortunes and emotions, spanning almost the entire range of the spectrum, yet still - somewhat ironically - clearly missing the target. The sheer number of different experiences that made an impact were almost too much to take, perhaps in a strangely positive way. Yes, it wasn't a happy year, but thankfully, it wasn't boring either. I do not know if one can bear all the sorrows that come unrelenting, if life is made interesting. But maybe, it's better than emptiness.

"It's not the end of the world," my heart says, after every failure. 2012 wasn't the end of the world either. And maybe that's an unlikely kind of consolation, perhaps even an inspiration, as the world - and life - goes on. Perhaps the events of the past year will make some sort of sense in 2013, maybe even sometime later in life, I don't know. But given the long, one dimensional phase of bad luck, the belief in some sort of level playing field and order in the world and beyond is hard to sustain.

Even so, as I close the pages of the past year and open a new chapter, everything within me is fighting to keep  the belief alive. All I hope for 2013, is that it makes a little more sense. A bit of felicity and good luck will be welcome too!

Have you tried 'that' life?

The gleaming sun shone down on my face. There were trees around, but some distance away, and I sat in the open allowing the sun to burn me down. It was a calm afternoon, yet a very restless one. For life is as calm or as restless as we are inside. My heart was filled with thoughts of the ways of my life. And, I asked myself several questions that day. Perhaps those were important questions to every soul in this world. And those questions just buzzed past me, again and again.

Have you ever seen the endless possibilities of life? Have you even glanced at paths untrodden? Have you ever looked at life that way - at the way it is perhaps supposed to be looked at? Have you ever chased your dreams? Have you ever thought beyond the routine? Beyond the surface? Have you seen depth?

Have you ever tried love over hate? Has you heart ever tried returning a frown with a smile -  a smile so endearing, so magical, that melts an enemy into a friend? Have you ever turned a potential rift into a glorious partnership? Have you even wanted to? Have you even given someone a chance to?

Perchance, sometime, you thought of making a difference to someone. Perhaps, a thought about turning a life. A thought that dreamt of lighting a soul that was in the dark.  Have you? Have you found solace in that? Have you ever found anything or anyone that you would give your life for? Have  you ever even thought about the purpose of your life? Have you ever wanted enlightenment? Have you ever tried to paint your soul with your true colours?

Have you ever pursued the right? Have you ever had the courage to raise a voice? Have you ever let go of safety and  gone the distance to fight for something?  Have you ever seemingly run out of strength, and yet found it within your deep self? Have you ever tried  patience? Persistence? Have you ever believed? Have you tried lasting faith over doubt? Have you ever failed and used the experience to turn it into success? Have you ever gone to those magical heights from the deepest valleys?  Have you ever thought you would? Have you even thought that you could? Have you tried to fulfill even half of your potential?  Have you even wanted to?

Have you woken up one day and decided to only smile that day?  Have you ever tried  to awaken the extreme positive side of your thinking? Have you tried to stamp out the bursts of negativity that always come along? Has there been even one single day of your life in which you had no negative thoughts?

Have you ever thought generously? Have you ever just given something, or perhaps everything just because you felt like, even to the most undeserving person? Have you ever given all you had or will ever have?  Have you ever given way for another vehicle to pass you even in the most busy traffic times? Have you even waited for someone to cross the  road before you zoom past them? Have you ever smiled at someone who hit your car and perhaps even damaged it badly? Have you ever let someone behind you in a queue to be served first? Have you perhaps paid for some strangers' dinner in a restaurant - people you did not even know? Have you given anyone a pleasant surprise that is unforgettable?

Have you ever forgiven someone, for a 'sin' that never deserved forgiveness? With your heart? Have you ever tried to replace that unending feeling of vengeance with a forever feeling of peace. Have you even forgiven yourself? Have you ever sought redemption? Have you ever thought that joy is the way of life? That every single living being deserves it? Have you thought that you too deserve happiness, and that the world wants you to experience it?

Have you ever asked someone for help? Have you even given  someone a chance to lend you a hand? Perhaps there is someone who is ever willing to do that? Have you looked at someone and felt that way? Have you given them a chance to that right? Have you given the world itself the chance to help you?  Have you ever tried to  free someone, even yourself, from the self imposed chains? Have you ever glanced at that free, charming, mystical, jubilant and gratifying life that can be yours?

As I looked around, I noticed three things. The sun that shone down on me, the shade of the trees slightly far away, yet reachable, and the ways of my life. I asked myself: have I tried that life?

Have you ever tried living 'that' way? Have you ever tried 'that' life?

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In The Rain

A lonely afternoon, somewhat melancholic, deeply frustrating and undoubtedly grim. Then suddenly, I heard that sound, the sound of rain - or rather music. It was as if a prayer that I had never said had been answered. And off I went, out of my home, out of my shell, into the rain. I went on a long lonely drive to nowhere.

The rain drops that hit my car created a song that lifted me. A song that my body danced to, without actually dancing. And my world seemed transformed - from melancholic, frustrating and grim to gleeful and carefree; though still somewhat lonely. My energy, which had been drained out by some (unkown) sadness was back. And I sang along with the rain, as I drove away to glory on the somewhat deserted roads.

After quite a long, watery drive, I brought my car to a halt, and set foot outside. As I felt the rain drops touch me, an overwhelming feeling of strange happiness surrounded me. And for one fleeting moment, the melancholy inside me was 'completely' gone. It was as if the cold drops of divine water that hit my body, percolated into my soul and somehow 'warmed' me. It was the most playful, light-hearted and romantic I had felt in a long time. I wish time just paused  there - at that cold, warm moment.

And as I stood there inhaling the fresh smell of rain,  I wondered why 'rain' is associated with the dark days of life (as they say - 'rainy days'). A rainy day is so wonderful, so amazing. It was then that it dawned on me that everything is what me make it to be. A rainy day can seem bleak and dreary - if you look at it that way. But it can also lift your spirits - like I found out. Sometimes, in the seemingly most dark and 'rainy' days of our lives, lies something beautiful, something glorious, if only we care to find it.

I remembered old, carefree, rainy days, when I used to fill the little streams of water with small boats. When just wearing a raincoat or holding an umbrella brought a sense of excitement. Where had that enthusiasm disappeared? Why had I forgotten to enjoy the rain all these days? Why had I allowed tension and sorrow to overwhelm me, drain me out and take control of me? Probably it was the growing up - the innocent days of childhood now a distant memory.  But in that moment, completely drenched in rain, I remembered those days, probably because I had suddenly discovered the child 'still' in me.

I returned home with a renewed spirit, with the realization that life was not so dull and gloomy after all. Maybe tomorrow the sadness will return; I may (will?) slip back into the gloomy mood. But, whenever that happens, I will remember this rainy day and hopefully, just the thought of it will bring back some cheer.

So bring out the child in you, go and dance in the rain, enjoy every day and moment, and you will discover that life is not that bad after all. You will then eternally find a happy, cheerful, enthusiastic you.

So when there's something biting you, some pain, or just plain boredom, pray that it rains so that you can drive away your melancholy.

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Festival of Lights, Life of Darkness

The sound of fire crackers all around. The light of lamps everywhere. Smiles on faces. Sweets, color and lots more. Diwali. The Festival of Lights. The triumph of good over evil. Diwali, a great festival, a time for celebration, a time of togetherness with family, with friends. For most of us, a time for holidays. A time for hope.

What about the other side? Diwali. A time which underlines the deep hypocrisy of Indian society. Diwali. 'Outward' shows of happiness, of lights. What does it mean to celebrate  the triumph of good over evil once a year, when evil wins all throughout. What does it mean when we mostly tend towards backwardness and darkness. What does it mean?

Bright lights and sounds for a short time, only for darkness and silence to take over again. What does it mean? What does a lamp that burns brightly signify? What does a fire cracker that lights up the atmosphere and brings a smile signify? What does all this mean, when everything eventually melts away into darkness and is merely a memory.

What does it mean for Lord Ram to burn the effigy of Ravan? What does it mean when the Ravan inside all of us is stronger and will eventually prevail? How hypocritical can we be? How much more openly can we celebrate it?

And, let's not highlight one win for good here and there. Those are mere aberrations. And we all know it. Aberrations that makes us believe that all is well. But as they say, the truth is always something else.

Perhaps Diwali is a time for forgetting sorrows and darkness. Perhaps Diwali is the time to leave behind the troubles. But being oblivious for a day, for a week, doesn't obliterate anything forever. Diwali is the time to wake up. To wake up to the true light - light that forever seems to evade us. It is a time to ponder. We need the light to see the darkness. What better time than Diwali to do that?

Let this Diwali not be a time of mere hope. Let it not be a time to merely distribute sweets. Let it be a time that begins sweeter thoughts. Let it not be a time for merely lighting lamps outside our homes. Let it be the time to light the lamp inside our hearts.

An eternal optimist, I do hope we will have a Real Diwali someday. I hope I live to see that day. Until then, for whatever it is worth: Happy Diwali; whatever that means to you all. Frankly, today, it means little to me. Zilch.

Diwali. Festival of Lights. Life of Darkness.


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