In the Rain Again

It was a placid, dreamy day. The charming weather, the chilling atmosphere, and the lurking rain, all underlined the poetic dreaminess of that enchanting afternoon. There was a silent harmony, a colorful vibrance and a certain grandness to it. It was dark, yet somehow it was bright and prismatic. The rich and myriad hues all around further deepened the radiance of the exotic day. Under a tree sat a solitary soul, relishing the picturesque, idyllic scene; trying to summon up a few words.

Then came the long anticipated drops of rain, that further enhanced the magic of that afternoon, almost elevating it to fairy-tale like. First lightly, then heavily, the rain came down like a passionate outburst, quenching the thirst of the parched earth and a parched soul.

And, it was almost as if nature had woken up. The lush green grass was back, the trees seemed rejuvenated, there were infinite pools of water and the atmosphere all around was sparkling. The splashing of water on the ground reminded me of the chaos inside, a sort of blissful, almost welcome chaos.

I still tried to put the artistic scene and my racing thoughts into words. I could have written a thousand verses that day, and yet failed to capture the sublime and exquisite story that it told. There was a beauty, a charming touch to that rainy afternoon, that can perhaps never be expressed in words - and I have never used plain 'words' to express my innermost thoughts. One had to be there to feel it. There was a flow even in stillness, and a pause even in the flow.

The sweet lure of cold rain on an enchanting afternoon! It was an invitation I could not resist. I went and stood in the rain, barefoot, and bare soul. And, I almost thought that it completely wiped out the tears inside me. I hoped it could wash away all the ego, all the anger, all the sorrow and any traces of hatred; so that something more important and wonderful can take its place.

Then, I ran around like someone celebrating a big achievement. I was filled with a mystic, deep joy, that seemed to  quench the unquenchable. There had been many a day like that. Yet, that rainy day seemed truly spectacular, somewhat special; just because I had made it so. My heart seemed to beat faster, yet it must have skipped many a beat.

My eyes searched around for a rainbow, almost revealing the inner quest for colors and hope. I could not quite find one in the sky. But, that afternoon, amidst the rain, amidst the inner chaos, I found a rainbow, where I had almost forgotten to search. I was eternally looking for signs of hope in the external world, but that day I found hope inside me. Of course, the external world, the scintillating atmosphere around, the rain and the wind had played their part in helping me discover it.

I was touched, simply mesmerized by the sheer magic of that electric day. The cool, unrelenting gush of wind; the long endless spaces of  green, the sweet smell of rain, the steady rush of inner emotion. It was bewitching, soothing, almost unnatural, yet so natural. It touched something that had never been touched before.

I gave up thoughts of writing, and just let myself free. My eyes gazed away at the splendid scene all around, my ears listened for unheard words, my body enjoyed the biting cold, my feet, almost numb, still felt the fresh water on the ground and my soul just reverberated with an unknown joy, still punctuated by hints of woe.

And, I don't know why, I was reminded of the first drops of long ago. That moment was magnificent, glorious and almost timeless. And I felt that whatever happened in my life from then on, it did not matter, for in that one lasting moment I had lived a lifetime.

And I continued to stand there, the unending rain drenching me completely, even from the inside.

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2012: An Alternate View

I must admit that I've had a negative mindset over the past few years. It hasn't been without reason, I know. And I've never quite been able to turn the tables on that.  That's how I felt predominantly through 2012 too, and that's how I began 2013 as well. Yet somehow, in a moment of sudden realization, triggered by a friend who pinged me and said "replace okay and not great with excellent", a flash of positivism has taken over me. And to be clear, nothing great or magical happened in the real, physical world, to switch on the optimistic side of me.

It may sound bizarre, maybe even akin to madness, in a way. And I think it is. But when I think of the past year and keep aside the low points, I can see, much more clearly, how it was indeed an excellent year. I can see how the graph of the year grew slowly and steadily, rising to greater heights as time went on. That brings me to the point: is everything, every feeling, every situation just a mental thing? Is everything in this wide wide world, only in the mind?

When I look at it that way, I do recognize that maybe - just maybe - I have been overplaying the melancholy bit.  I do recognize that I've given undue importance to the demons that came my way. I don't know when that began to happen. I don't know when that line from optimism to pessimism was crossed, and without a heart to stop it, it went on in the wrong direction. But whenever and however that happened, it only takes a moment of fortitude, a moment of faith, to reverse it. It only takes a push in the positive direction to get back to the other side of the line.

What gives me immense satisfaction, is the knowledge that I gave everything that I had. I put my heart and soul into every endeavour. I did what I love to do. And that is all we can do in life. When the waves of the ocean of life come rushing, sometimes even threatening to drown us, we have to ride them, with gusto and a renewed sense of strength. When the devils of life threaten to fill us with negativity, we have to slash them with the sword of delight and wonder and enthusiasm.

The hard part though, is to sustain the flow of optimism. The hard part is to stop the negative emotions in their tracks. The hard part is to recognize that we are greater and stronger than them. But once we do that, once we go the core of our being and turn it around inside ourselves, the world is - lo and behold - a beautiful place again. And with that in mind, when I revisit the past year,  I can see how the colours and sunshine clearly outshone the shadows. I can see how one bad phase could not dull the brightness of an otherwise fantastic year.

With the hope that this realization has brought, I go on, happy, excited, and ever more optimistic about the years to come. There is no doubt, even faintly, that 2013 will be an outstanding, excellent, and mind blowing year. There is no doubt that it will fan the tiny sparks within me into the flames of achievement, success and unthinkable joy. There is no doubt that it will be the beginning of greater things. And I hope and pray that it will be the same for every soul in this world. I hope and pray, and now know, that 2013 will be a truly happy year for the world! Happy New Year 2013!

A fascinating new low

December 31, 2012

I'll have to state this right at the beginning: 2012 was, without any doubt whatsoever, by far the most fascinating year of my life. Hands down, it beat every other year. That does not mean, even remotely, that it was a year of joy and happiness. It wasn't, not even by any stretch of distant imagination. The flag rose many a time, and fluttered proudly too, only to be hit by sudden, totally incomprehensible, storms that brought a kind of misery that I've come to know far too closely. But the year was colorful to say the least, and the various hues that spread themselves out on the canvas of my life, made it vivid and memorable.

When you get to a really low point in life, you wonder if there can possibly be something even lower. As the sun sets on another year that saw significant ups and even more significant downs, those thoughts cloud my mind. I had hoped and wished at the end of last year (2011) that there were no more depths, that the graph of my life couldn't drop further. Needless to say, those wishes of mine were left unfulfilled. The start to the year was relatively silent, though there were traces of winds that promised to bring some things of note. And they did come, those phases of high, that made the year somewhat bearable.

Yet, there was something sad about the year that's almost inexplicable. It's not hard to put a finger on what went wrong; that's almost straight forward. But the meaning underlying those shadows that swept across the year, bringing flashes of tremendous low, escapes me. In the past, through every one of the endless stretches of darkness, there was some kind of hidden meaning, and most certainly valuable lessons.  But none of the trenches made sense this year. I doubt there was anything to take away from them, save the knowledge that life can dip to newer and newer lows every year.

I did make some strides in the direction of my dreams. Publishing my first book 'Rainy Days' was a hugely satisfying experience, and it renewed my hopes of an interesting, 'story-filled' life ahead. It, even if ever so briefly, created a crest of unexpected high.   It was also an immensely compelling, challenging, and demanding year at work - the most riveting phase of my professional life. And it made up in a very small way - as much as that aspect of life can - for the underlying sorrow that forever lingered around and never let go.

It was, literally, a year of wildly swinging fortunes and emotions, spanning almost the entire range of the spectrum, yet still - somewhat ironically - clearly missing the target. The sheer number of different experiences that made an impact were almost too much to take, perhaps in a strangely positive way. Yes, it wasn't a happy year, but thankfully, it wasn't boring either. I do not know if one can bear all the sorrows that come unrelenting, if life is made interesting. But maybe, it's better than emptiness.

"It's not the end of the world," my heart says, after every failure. 2012 wasn't the end of the world either. And maybe that's an unlikely kind of consolation, perhaps even an inspiration, as the world - and life - goes on. Perhaps the events of the past year will make some sort of sense in 2013, maybe even sometime later in life, I don't know. But given the long, one dimensional phase of bad luck, the belief in some sort of level playing field and order in the world and beyond is hard to sustain.

Even so, as I close the pages of the past year and open a new chapter, everything within me is fighting to keep  the belief alive. All I hope for 2013, is that it makes a little more sense. A bit of felicity and good luck will be welcome too!